Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
