living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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