just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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