I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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