its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
