He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
