I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
