So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
