Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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