all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
