let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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