youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
