you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
