Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
