We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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