dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
