I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
