I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
