i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
