Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
