i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
