Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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