Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
