apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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