a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
