I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
