im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
