She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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