those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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