You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
