Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
