ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
