party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
