No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
