guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
