It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
