ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
