If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
