What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
