it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
