In America we eat man semen.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We left the knife in your bed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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