I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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