Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
