Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
why is half of my head shaved?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
