My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
