I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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