she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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