ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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