When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
sex in a hospital.. check
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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