I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
