I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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