I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
