Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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