I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
